Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
smell my finger.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
