My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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