She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
