So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just gift wrapped bread.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
