Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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