dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize