I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
