I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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