Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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