i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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