she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
