So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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