I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize