You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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