apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
