How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
