dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
