you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
