i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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