In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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