as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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