Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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