I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
