Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
