you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
