this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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