how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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