they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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