you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
