I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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