She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
