That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
