nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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