Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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