your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
