what day is it and did you see me today?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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