I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
and she was petting her beer can
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
