I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
