My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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