Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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