I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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