What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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