ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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