this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
