I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
