is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
