I faked an abortion last night.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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