Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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