Can Purell be used as lube?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
