if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
