awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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