WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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