he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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