they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
