Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
