On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
