did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize