This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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