True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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