there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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