my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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