Whod you bang
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
