the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
