drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
