Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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